WASHINGTON THEATRE DIVERTS ATTENTION FROM THE PRIMARY SAUSAGES
Saturday 27 September 2008 20:40
London, 27th September 2008:
WHATEVER FLAVOUR WAS ORDERED, WON’T BE DELIVERED
Last week, the newly installed Washington-based sausage machine was primed by the Chief Sausage Makers, Messrs ‘Paulson und Bernanke’, to bring forth a splendidly flavoured batch of sausages with a long shelf-life, so that the manufacturers themselves could stock up with food for the winter months ahead, without having to worry about how to make ends meat (oops, meet).
Having primed this sausage machine, it cannot now be turned off until it has completed the cycle, so the manufacturers are lumbered with having to accept whatever flavour of sausage comes out.
Unfortunately, due to a strike, or several strikes, on the shop floor, the production line has, the manufacturers now contend, been sabotaged, to such a degree that unwanted ingredients have been inserted into the mix, which will now deliver sausages with a bitter taste from the purveyors’ perspective. And since they cannot turn the machine off until it has completed its cycle, they are stuck with whatever flavour of sausage is delivered the other end.
This is very embarrassing, as the sausage manufacturers had informed their entire marketplace that the sausages in question will taste very nice, even though they will be the most expensive sausages ever made (costing an estimated $700 billion). Accordingly, since the entire marketplace is expecting sausages to be delivered (because they have been so advised), the manufacturers have no choice but to proclaim the success of their new recipe (even though when they come to sample the new sausages they may choke and regret that they ever started up the machine).
PREVIOUSLY SHUT-DOWN SAUSAGE EQUIPMENT BROUGHT BACK INTO PRODUCTION
They will do this, in reality, in order to cover up the fact that the older sausage-making equipment, which the manufacturers themselves took out of service in June 2006, finally had to be started up again in recent days because huge orders for sausages that had accumulated over the years have to be fulfilled, in the face of sanctions that have been threatened by the International Association of Sausage Makers headquartered in key foreign capitals, should the long overdue consignments of sausages not be delivered by the time the Pacific Rim sausage markets open on Sunday evening.
The Washington-based sausage manufacturers have been collectively informed that should the veteran sausage-making equipment be compromised by the manufacturer for his own purposes on this occasion, the entire sausage market may be closed to American sausage distributors with no further warning. This is one reason why a SECONDARY sausage manufacturing cycle was initiated.
PERCEPTION MANAGEMENT PURPOSES OF THE SECONDARY SAUSAGE PRODUCTION LINE
The ‘success’ or ‘failure’ of this secondary sausage-making cycle will provide the ‘deep’ cover that the manufacturers need, to enable them to micromanage either the rehabilitation of the worldwide sausage market, or its collapse. In the event that the secondary production line can complete its cycle successfully, then all the praise will be heaped upon the manufacturers and their most senior Executives alone. But should the secondary production cycle be interrupted, fall seriously short of expectations or fail in any way, shape or form, the manufacturers will, they believe, be in a position to deflect all the blame from themselves and to redirect it to targets of their own choosing.
Although the sausages to be delivered from the expensive new equipment will have a bitter taste, the Board concurred at its meeting in Washington on 26th September with the decision of Quality Control to the effect that, in the grim circumstances, ANY flavour of sausage delivered by the new equipment will be acceptable, notwithstanding that Members of the Board won’t like the new taste.
It is understood that the Ingredients Department is still, even at this late stage, experimenting with various flavours, although the production line was programmed to deliver a pre-specified range.
The Managing Director did make an unfortunate remark about ‘this sucker going down’, but it is understood that he may have been referring to rubber suckers that got stuck in the main sausage duct, which engineers should remove just in time for the secondary sausages to be delivered.
Given the narrow choice he faces, it is assumed that the Managing Director will choose to exploit the theatrical delivery of the costly emergency sausages, since this ‘achievement’ will provide the Board, as intended, with an opportunity to pull a pigs’ ear out of the new equipment so that it can be waved about in triumph before the entire marketplace amid a hurriedly orchestrated advertising campaign proclaiming that the new sausages are absolutely delicious and will keep the world fed for many years to come. The fact that the new sausages, as opposed to the bulk consignments, will taste absolutely disgusting, at least to the Board, will not be revealed, even though the advertising campaign will probably contravene all relevant trades descriptions legislation on the Statute Book.
THE BOARD RECEIVED A FINAL DEMAND TO FULFIL THE OLD SAUSAGE CONSIGNMENTS
What the Board will not reveal, of course, is that it ran out of options and had to start up the older equipment in order to fulfil the orders that it had perversely suspended, within the extremely tight timeframe alluded to above. The London office of the International Association of Sausage Makers is reported to have delivered its FINAL DEMAND a week ago, setting precisely one week for total completion of the delayed bulk sausage orders, failing which the Board and all US sausage outlets may be hit with consequences far more drastic than the world sausage industry ever thought likely.
Although the secondary sausages will have a bitter taste, any primary consignments from the older equipment will be received with joy and gladness throughout the international sausage market, so that the Managing Director of the Washington sausage purveyor will bask in temporary glory.
Knowledgeable observers of the global sausage market will be revolted at the Managing Director’s prospective (as with his past) behaviour, but pragmatists take the view that this is a small price to pay for the final consignments of delicious sausages that should have been delivered years ago.
Those present at the Board Meeting on 26th September 2008 who knew what is really intended were ‘Paulson’, Cheney, the Managing Director (Bush II), Mr Cain and Obama, and probably Pelosi and Reid. The other observers at the meeting may not have been aware of the specifics, which, in a nutshell, entail the proclamation of a sausage deal that will divert the market’s attention from the primary, long delayed sausage consignments, and will enable Mr Cain and Obama to be ‘separated from’ the Managing Director, whose future will be decided either next week (should this stratagem and course of events prove disastrous), or at a future date.
As you probably know, sausage manufacturing factories are very smelly places to work in.
Furthermore, in an environment as smelly and dirty as this, protective clothing must be worn at all times. For this reason, the Editor accepts no responsibility for any smells that may arise from this considered assessment, which nevertheless conforms to our usual Health and Safety standards.
PS: Paulson und Bernanke GmbH are purveyors of toxic sausages to Chancellor Angela Merkel.